Marriage – What’s So Hard About It?

Helllllo, friend! Today we are talking some Christian wife talk. When I first started thinking of this topic there were tons of directions that I could have taken it, but after I thought a while, the main topic that I really felt I could speak from the heart was, what I wanted to know when I first got married – what’s so hard about marriage?


I had heard so many people, including Christian women saying that marriage was so incredibly hard. Rewarding, but hard. And I honestly would have liked to have asked them, well can you be more specific, what’s hard about it exactly? I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to seem naïve or getting in over my head. But it would be interesting to go back to those women and ask that question to see what they say.


Anyway, this is by no means a conglomerate list of what the average person thinks is difficult about marriage. Nope, just my little old list that from my experience, I’m like, oohhh this is what they were talking about.


Before I get into the difficult talk, let’s first start with the good news, marriage is great! And I genuinely mean that. I’ve had more fun and more love these past 4 years than I ever have. Not that I wasn’t loved before by my family, but with marriage it’s just a different kind of love. I remember my cousin saying, who’s been married for something like 15 years now, that their love has grown from being an obsessive kind of love to a more we’re in this for the long haul and I’m gonna be there for you kind of love.


And I think that’s really true. After a while, after the warm and fuzzies die down, after you’ve woken up and realized you just drooled on your mate, things just shift a little. Things slow down and become more relaxed and you can exhale a little easier, knowing that no matter what, your spouse is going to be there. 


So what’s so hard about this joining of two lives and two flesh? I’ve narrowed my list down to three things, here goes. 


When you don’t see eye to eye

I think we can all agree that this is probably the most obvious one. When you don’t see eye to eye with a friend, it puts you in an awkward situation; or a family member, yeah, even more difficult; but when it’s your spouse it’s even harder. And then when it’s regarding bigger, life decisions or how things are going to go in your household, hard is not the word. 


In those moments, it’s like you’re grabbing at anything to make the other person see your way, your point of view. Like come on how can you not agree with me right now, this is plain as day, open and shut case, bada bing, bada boom!?? Nope. 


But you find a way. It takes both of you to sit down and hear the other out to come up with a solution. Sometimes it may take a while, and I’d encourage both parties to pray over it, but in the end everything works out, it just does. 


When your husband isn’t perfect 


Whoa!? Wait. You’re husband isn’t absolutely perfect? You mean he doesn’t hold the car door open for you? He doesn’t love watching chick flicks with you and he make the bed? Pick up his socks and he didn’t plan out a picnic in the park followed by a moonlit walk down by the river? Huh. Well, mine didn’t either. Well maybe he picks up his socks sometimes.


Listen, girl. Nicholas Sparks is a liar. Disney is a liar. All these perfect fairy tales and sappy romantic love stories are just not true. I mean yes, maybe some parts of them actually do happen, but when that guy does all these wonderful things for their girl and yours doesn’t, it doesn’t mean your guy is broken.


It means he’s a real human being, not some made up character that has no flaws….hence why I had to stop reading Nicholas Sparks. Unfortunately, spending hours reading his wonderful and addicting love stories was giving me unrealistic expectations about love. Anyone else fall into this trap?? The comparison game is oh-so toxic and it has got to stop. More on that in the next point though. 


Back to being perfect, or, well, not being perfect. There are going to be things about your husband, whether you knew them before or not, that you’re not going to like. You’re not always going to agree with every word that comes out of his mouth or every action he takes. There are going to be things about him that you’re going to want to change. 


Now I’m all about joking about training your husband to do things around the house or be better at picking up after himself, cause yeah, Lord knows my husband needed a little instruction on where dishes go. But, friend, there are going to be things about your husband that you wish you could change, but you can’t. You just can’t. He’s his own person. You can try to make him change, but really it’s a fight you’re not going to win. 


This is what you can do though.

Choose to love him as is. Choose to love him as the person he is, here and now, no changes. Because if you think about it, that's exactly what Christ does for us. Christ loves us, always, here and now, no changes. Click To Tweet


He doesn’t tell us to clean up our lives and get our crap together and then He’ll accept us, He tells us to come as we are. And that’s what we are to do with our husbands. If he is truly meant to change, whatever it may be, WE are not the ones who are gonna be doing the changing, God is. God. He is the one true, powerful and mighty Father that is ultimately going to see fit, in His own timing that x,y,z needs to change, or maybe…not. 




Have you heard the quote, comparison is the thief of joy? Apparently Theodore Roosevelt said that! And it’s true! When we start looking outside ourselves and outside our own lives, it’s rough. I never have all good things to say about myself or my situation, there always seems to be something I can find to grip about. And sometimes it just becomes this crap-fest where I’m not good enough and my husband is not good enough either.


Comparing your husband in any way, shape or form to another man or husband is toxic and I’d encourage you to stop it right now. My friend and her husband was telling me once how her husband cut up the raw chicken for her because it was gross, I then said, oh I wish Adam would cut the chicken for me (we were not vegetarian at the time), and immediately, her husband said something along the lines of avoiding comparing my husband to him. I was a little taken aback and confused.


I mean, I was just saying I wished my husband would cut up the icky chicken so I didn’t have to. But this showed me that even the smallest comparisons open the door to the pity party of I wish my husband would ____, you fill in the blank. And that’s the start of the comparison game, and that’s the start of he’s not good enough. And when that happens, they can feel it.


They can feel when you’re not happy with them, when you wish they were different, or more like someone else’s husband. And that will lead to places that a marriage just does not want to go.


Ending the comparison game


  • Step one is taking every thought captive and making it pleasing to the Lord. If your mind starts to go to comparison or wishing for changes. Stop and refocus on the Lord. Refocus on what’s right and what makes you happy and what you’re thankful for in your marriage. This is hard sometimes, especially if you’re in a rough patch, and it’s not really something that might be instinct. It’s a choice.


  • Step two kind of goes back to my last point. Loving your husband for who he is, as is, no changes. So once you’ve taken your thoughts captive, think about what you love about your husband and rejoice in that.


Here we are, friend. I hope this helps and I hope I was as real as I could be. I also hope that this didn’t scare anyone off from getting married, but I didn’t want to sugarcoat things as I think it’s good to hear all sides of the story.


It’s important to look at all aspects of marriage because everyone, and I mean everyone has marriage problems at some point. It’s a normal part of life. Life, including marriage, is messy sometimes, it’s not all butterflies and rainbows. My friend, Wendy, once said, the more time you spend together, the more opportunity for arguments and disagreements. And it’s true.


Not that all the time you spend together will be spent in disagreeing, but it’s gonna happen. You put two people together for how many hours a day and there’s bound to be a little turmoil. But that’s OK! Do the work, put yourself dead last, stop comparing, take every thought captive, and choose to love. Because love is a choice and I hope you make it for your husband.


If you loved this post about marriage, I’m supppppper excited to share with you, a 5 day devotional that I created – Proverbs to Pray For Your Husband. Get instant access right now! {sign up form is on the top right of the page if you’re on a computer or alllll the way at the bottom of the page if you’re on a tablet or phone}. 


What do you think is hard about marriage that you wish you would have known before? Share in the comments below!   

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